I was talking with a friend recently, comparing notes on our current situationships.

“I think he’s friend-zoning me,” she said. “But I can’t tell for sure. Like I sent him this super cute selfie with a sweet text about how I’d been thinking about him,” she said.

“But …?”

“But nothing.”

“Like, not even a smiley face?”

“Worse. He gave me the thumbs up.”

“Jesus,” I responded, shaking my head.

Everyone knows the thumbs up is straight from the dad keyboard. It’s like a dismissive checkmark. Or, as my friend Matt says, it’s basically an F-U. It’s like you just walked out of the ladies’ room after accidentally tucking the back of your dress into your thong and they look at you and go, Roger that.

“Sorry, dude,” I say. “That’s definitely a red flag in the friend zone.”

“But I’m not sure,” she says. “I mean one minute, he’s giving me the thumbs up; the next, he’s making out with me in my living room.”

What is the friend zone, really? Does it have to feel like some weird purgatory we wallow around in, waiting to find out if we’re genuinely connected? Or have we gotten it all wrong? Maybe the friend zone isn’t the end zone. Maybe it’s the perfect beginning.

I’ve not only been friend-zoned, but I’ve delivered some legit friend-zonings of my own. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to bring a new flame into my friend group — or even talk about him with my friends. And it’s not just because it feels like some sort of relationship jinx, but what if they don’t like him? Or what if they like him too much? Maybe I’m just trying to protect the spark.

But I’m starting to think I’ve been doing it all wrong. What if meeting my friends early on isn’t the kiss of death at all? What if it’s actually an even better reality check than pretending to be some perfect version of myself over candlelight and wine?

What am I so afraid of? That he’ll find out I’m really just a chaotic, insecure goofball  like everyone else?

I recently binged the new Netflix show “Too Much.” It’s about a young, heartbroken American hoping for her “Love, Actually” moment in London. She is, to put it mildly, a hot mess. Like, literally. In the first episode, she accidentally sets herself on fire with a scented candle.

I couldn’t help but love how this character skips the curated selfie and just full-sends her entire self — mayhem and all.

This reminded me of the time I went out with this guy in France who pointed out that American women treat a first date like a job interview: Tell me about yourself. What are your relationship goals? What attracted you to me? C’est quoi?!

The relationship guru Esther Perel echoed this sentiment recently on the Trevor Noah podcast. She says we should bring a new person into our world ASAP. Not for our friends to judge them, but to see how the guy or girl interacts in our real life instead of some fantasy dating scenario. Perel says it’s a great way to gauge how someone can actually fit into your vibe. It’s like, If you can hang with my people, you can hang with me.

Think of it like when you were in college when the dating pool basically was your friend group. No performative, first-date pressure there. Relationships formed from hanging out — not being set up.

The problem is dating-app culture has created a kind of fast-forward, fake intimacy. Sure, it’s exciting and it feels good, but reality check: Even by the fifth date, you’re still pretty much strangers. Real connection is a slow burn. It takes the kind of time you invest in your platonic friendships. The ones you can easily take for granted.

I often think of the time after one particularly brutal break-up when some of my girlfriends were trying to console me. “Don’t worry, Kate, you have us,” one of them said brightly. “And we love you.”

At the time, all I could think was, That’s great, but I don’t want to sleep with any of you.

I’d totally misunderstood the power of the friend zone. It isn’t about giving up on romantic love — it’s about expanding your definition of it.

I read a Substack post recently by a single, 50-something woman with breast cancer. When she was first diagnosed, she was sure no one would want her. She imagined going through chemo — and the rest of her life — alone. Instead, she discovered herself surrounded by friends, the true loves of her life.  

Maybe after all the vain searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, they’re actually right here. In the friend zone. They’re the one who never lets you down, but is always picking you u — whether you have a broken-down car or a broken-down heart.

It’s like the closing scene in “Casablanca.” Humphrey Bogart and Claude Rains, looking up into the sky as the plane carrying the love of Bogey’s life takes off into the foggy night.

“Louie,” Bogart says, as the two of them cross the tarmac, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what true love is really all about. I give it two thumbs up.