I am a helicopter parent and my child just happens to be a dog. End of story.
Excuse me, is that your Frenchie over there? I just wanted to let you know he’s been dragging his butt on the sidewalk for the past 10 minutes.
— Oh, I know. He’s just expressing himself.
Loki, did you just pee on that lady’s baby?
No, I don’t hate people. I just love dogs more.
He’s never like this at home. I mean normally he doesn’t pick up teacup poodles and shake them like they’re a squeaky toy. He’s harmless, really. He’s just protecting me. That’s what they do, you know. He’s just my good little boi, aren’t you, Lucifer?
Yes, I know my dog pooped over there. Yes, I’m going to pick it up. Yes, I brought bags, but we used them all.
— What do you call a male Karen?
He’s 11, which is effectively 77 years old, but I still make him scrambled eggs every morning.
Don’t worry, she’s not snarling at you. She’s just a little extra this morning, aren’t you, Miss Spanx?
What’s up with all these big dogs here today?!
No, we’re not swimming today. Tutu just ate. We’re gonna just sniff this stick over here until her food digests.
He hates little balls. He loves the big ones. I mean, like soccer balls.
Do you mind if I give your pup a treat?
— I’d rather you didn’t. He has a gluten intolerance.
(Dog peeing on fire hydrant.) Mackie, don’t be such a cliché!
I’m taking Goldie for rattlesnake training this weekend. It’s the best thing to do, really, and if you’re going to live in a place like Utah, you pretty much have to do it. I mean, you never know.
She’s a beaglehuahuapugapoo. Completely hypoallergenic.
The vet gave us some doggy Xanax for the flight. But honestly, I’m the one who needed it.
Yes, I told you, we’re going to pick it up. Yes, I know it’s not OK. I’m just looking for a poop bag. Simmer down, Ken.
My dog needs an emotional support human.
He has an underbite only a mother could love.
— Seriously, it’s giving Seth Rogen.
What’s up with all these little dogs here today?!
Kash, no! Do not hump that dog’s head!
Roxy! Stop acting like a cage fighter. You’re 8 pounds, for chrissake.
She just really doesn’t like people in general. She doesn’t like other dogs either. But we just love coming to the dog park!
Somebody’s got a case of the zoomies.
— Yeah, I spend way too much time on Zoom calls.
He got into some gummies last weekend. Trust me — not adorable — isn’t that right my little stoner dude?
He’s not mean! He’s just super sensitive. What the hell did you say to him?!
I really wouldn’t walk around here barefoot if I were you …
Who’s the best doggy in the whole wide world? You are, aren’t you? I literally don’t know where I’d be without him. Well, I take that back. I’d be face down on the floor in a pool of my own tears and snot.
C’mon Riley. Mommy has to go back to work, so stop sniffing that dog’s butt and let’s go!